More properly, BAD music jokes. The worst. Absolute worst ones I could possibly come up with. Hopefully you won't die in pain reading them.
If you have any additions, God forbid, feel free to drop them in the Contact Us page.
What do you call Bach?
How many keys are there on a piano?
12 major and 12 minor and a bunch of other ones only jazz musicians care about.
Why did Handel write religious music?
He couldn't Handel writing secular music.
What's the range of the contrabassoon?
Fart to growl!
What do a novice bassist showing off and a dubstep producer have in common?
They both drop the bass.
What was the predecessor to Drum 'n Bass?
Fife 'n Drum (corps)
How many strings are there on a harp after a Wagner opera?
47 minus the broken ones.
Did you hear about the acoustic guitarist who replaced his strings with fishing line?
There was without a trout something fishy about his tuning.
How many ambient producers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two. One to screw it in and one holding a mic up to it for his next song.
Why do some people like playing the fretless bass?
Because it's keeps the stress level down to not fret about everything.
Joe: Music Conservatories are just like nature conservatories.
Fred: Why is that?
Joe: They keep the animals in and the humans out.
An Avant-Garde composer walked into a bar...
... and said "What is this doing here?"
A Blues musician walked into a bar...
... and asked if he could find 11 other bars in the area.
What is the coolest instrument in the world?
One that's made entirely of ice.
Alt.: a brass instrument in the middle of winter.
Why are harpists also avid bikers?
They're great at pedaling.
Why do some tubas have an extra valve?
It's the emergency release valve.
How do you mute a trumpet?
Break it in half and hide the mouthpiece.
Who do non-classical-freaks think Chopin was?
What is the highest note a piccolo can play?
When do you know a bad musician is at your door?
He doesn't know when to come in.
Why is the harp tuned to Cb?
Because harpists are a bit loose-strung.
Why don't band teachers do stand-up instead?
They can't hear if the audience is laughing or not.
Why does it take an oboist take twice as long to read a book than a clarinetist?
They had to double-reed it.
How do you conduct the tempo M.M. 240?
Wave your hand back and forth as fast as possible and hope for the best.
Why do dogs like Meantone temperament?
They like the Wolf Fifth.
What did Wagner do when he got angry?
Why did the rich banker go into the record label?
He thought he could sell more CD's that way.
Joe: Ever head of the Blues version of "The Girl with the Bright Red Hair"?
Bob: Isn't that a bit counter-intuitive?
Joe: No, they just called it "The Girl with Purple Hair".
What came before Rag-time?
Who was the first Rock musician?
What is the most common double-major for a Performance Major?
An upright bassist strode through a bar carrying his bass one night, left, and then went to another bar, and left again, and did this through 10 more bars. A man stopped him in the bar and asked him what he was doing. The bassist replied...
"I'm walking the bass through all 12 bars."
Why did the lyre need to see a psychiatrist?
It insisted it was a flute.
What was the Romans' favorite chord?
Why did the man who wanted to live forever insist he could only listen to the I, iii, and vi chords?
He through the tonic would make him live forever.